


I'm afraid I can't do paperwork, I've got superpowers

by MrUndisclosed



Category: Bleach
Genre: Awkward situations, Couple if you tilt your head a bit, Flirting both sober and drunk, Shifting into maximum overhugging, Strange situations that proceed to get stranger, Stretchy stuff, i guess the softest version of body horror?, super powers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28613442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrUndisclosed/pseuds/MrUndisclosed
Summary: Toushiro Hitsugaya returns to the tenth to find his lieutenant all over the place...Literally. It turns out she somehow got super wasted and super powers. It's up to the pair to sort out how this happened once Matsumoto stops having fun with her new powers. Far as excuses go...it's a new one. There will be hugging and yelling and terrible attempts to piece together a night out.
Relationships: Hitsugaya Toushirou/Matsumoto Rangiku
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A friend made a joke and it turned into a two parter- both parts are written I just wanna tidy up part two before posting. Contains Matsumoto getting super powers, lots of full body contact- I debate if I need to add Bondage to the tags...but it's not...REALLY...tell you what someone read it and tell me.

Toshiro Hitsugaya, captain of the Tenth Division had learned long ago, back when Captain Shiba ran the entire division, that Matsumoto Rangiku was a virtuoso of getting out of work. There was no excuse too shameless, no situation too trivial to take advantage of. 

So when he returned from an impromptu division captain meeting and saw a large swathe of fabric holding open the door of the tenth division...he was suspicious. An itch on the back of his mind told him that Matsumoto had a hand in this. The black fabric was lined with white rather like the standard Shinigami Division uniform...but no uniform would be...that big. 

Even the giant soldiers who guarded the soul doors weren’t….long...just wide. But still he followed the mass of fabric from the entrance upward into the division HQ. Unless….Captain Komamura was finally going to make his bankai a uniform? No, that was something written as a joke and not at all real.

I mean….he’d have to put it on every time he summoned his bankai. Hitsugaya shook his head, not getting rid of that thought.

Hitsugaya followed the mass of fabric through the corridors, one hand resting on the hilt of his zanpakuto. It wound around corners, up and down stairs, draped over any available surface. Initially he assumed it to be for some strange project or something for the Women’s Association. But as he followed the black fabric up more flights of stairs he grew a little worried.

If Matsumoto wanted to avoid work she could go small but worse were the moments she went big. Replacing their required work with a much more arduous task that for some reason she preferred. He recalled briefly the time she agreed to work on parade floats instead of filling in the torrent of paperwork that the Tenth Division seemed to drown in. She had filled the corridors with colourful paper, paints and anything else she’d need to create a float.

Only to entirely ditch the idea and subtly suggest to Captain Byakuya that a Wadame Ambassador float would look great that year. Meaning everyone had to see that strange….creation of the most regal captain in Soul Society. The fact he assembled it seemingly overnight sparked a debate on if he perhaps always had a float or his dedication ran that true.

Hitsugya became slightly worried however as the mass of fabric made its way toward his shared office with Matsumoto. Then he noticed tied up in the mass of material was the glaring pink of his lieutenants scarf.

The idea this wasn’t some strange prank entered his mind and so he bolted for the office. Throwing open the door he ran in yelling. “Matsumo-” He ran face first into something warm and yielding. He was able to push against it at first, it budged easily but then it seemed to grow taut and hurl him backward into the corridor. 

He groaned as he pulled himself back to his feet. He had thought the room was dark but now he could see more of that dark fabric ahead of him. He prodded at it, found it upsettingly warm and pliant but it quickly snapped back to rigidity. He wondered if he should call for assistance when he heard a low moan. 

“Matsumoto?” He called out again.

“Shrio, is that you?” Her reply was quiet. “I think something is a little wrong…” She said far off but just beyond the fabric.

“Hold on! I’m going to get to you.” Hitsugaya said, shoving at the material again trying this time to move it aside. While it moved at first it kept wanting to snap back but he was able to force it aside, teeth clenched and shoved through into the office proper. He stumbled over something and fell forward, arms windmilling and catching on something hanging. 

He landed on something soft and warm, he heard a low groan from Matsumoto. He looked up and found one of his hands entangled in thick red hair. He blinked a few times and noticed Matsumoto’s head in front of him...dangling upside down from a neck that extended upward. To her body party of which rested on top of a bookcase. The rest of it was extended all over the room.

He gagged, in horror but...his eyes kept moving around the room trying to take in what was certainly...not real. Matsumoto’s dangling head made a series of low noises as it slowly rotated in place, her neck extending upward to hang over the lights on the roof.

Resting on the sofa, draped over his desk but not hers….annoyingly. Her chest was rising and falling on the sofa and her arms were sprawled all over, indeed he’d tripped over one and now was tangled in the trailing ropes of...he had no idea. Trying to follow it all was giving him a headache. 

“Matsumoto are you okay?” He asked, shaking his hand and her head in the process, her features screwed up some as she groaned. Deep blue eyes fought to stay open, half lidded and heavy. He gingerly moved her head so that it was at the very least the right way around, hoping perhaps that could help.

“Five more minutes.” She groaned and he was knocked blind by the smell of drink coming from her breath. Eyes watering he shook his head and then hers. The motion caused the entire room to shake. “Wah...what?” Her eyes snapped open fully alert, confusion reigned. “Why are you taller than me, Shiro?” 

“ It’s cap…” No, there would be time for that later. “Matsumoto….what have you done to yourself?” He tilted her head this way and that in case somehow she missed it. Her eyes blinked a few times as if just noticing. Hitsugaya for his part was upset at how quickly he’d gotten used to moving his lieutenant’s head around. He removed his hand from her hair and instead opted to cup her chin, carefully with one hand. 

“Eyy is that me over there too?” She asked as her hand waved at her. “Ha ha! That’s neat! Oh that’s fun!” She said waving and moving her arm jostling Hitsugaya this way and that. “Oooh that’s neat.” As she smiled Hitsugaya...sensed danger. An instinct honed through years of working with Matsumoto. Being prepped for her ambushes of affection and little teasing moments.

“How are you doing this?” Hitsugaya demanded, turning her to look at him and not her own little motions.Matsumoto pursed her lips and tilted her head this way and that. Her whole body seemed to wobble, a genuine room sized shrug that jostled him this way and that. 

“I’m not sure….we can fix it later. I’m tired!” She whined. “It’s too late to worry about things like this.” She shifted and he moved with her. A great sliding sensation dumped him onto the floor. Hitsugaya landed with a thud and Matsumoto looked down at him shocked. “Ooh, you’ve gotta be careful Shiro. Only one of us can stand having the reputation of a notorious stumbling drunk.” She snickered as he glowered up at her, neck held up by her own powered it seemed.

“Matsumoto!” He bellowed at her and suddenly the world was dark. Hitsugaya Was aware of a blur of something and now all at once his head was smothered in fabric. He pulled at it and found it stretched with remarkable ease. But any time he was able to drag it off his head more piled on ensuring he was swarmed in darkness. 

“Shhh, shhh, shhhhhhh!” Matsumoto said. “My head already hurts and we’re not supposed to be here really.” She chided her captain. “Oh you look so funny!” She giggled at him, her long arms had enveloped his head save for a few stubborn tufts of hair. “You look so silly right now!” She tittered at him. “This is really handy,” she said as one of her fingers tied some of his hair around it’s length, “I think I might really like whatever this is.” 

Hitsugaya said something that was lost in the muffled nature of his current situation. “I’m glad you agree.” Matsumoto said with a laugh. “I’m always on the forefront of trends. This could easily be another big move forward.” She pursed her lips again. “I’m going to undo my arms, it might take a minute, but you have to promise not to shout!” She said. 

She was delighted when the mummified head nodded a few times. With a few tugs this way and that, forcing her smaller captain to prance from one side to the other and even briefly lifting him off the ground by his neck- “SORRY SORRY”- she had released him. He heaved in air as she rested her arms on his shoulders. She smiled warmly down at him. She’ managed to pull...some of herself together. An upper body that went into a torso that seemed to….go everywhere else. 

“Matsumoto.” Hitsugaya began, quietly. “Are you aware….that you cover a lot of this building? I walked up five floors of stairs that you were….draped over.” 

“I thought my legs had fallen asleep.” Matsumoto said her face screwed up. “I can’t quite seem to shake them awake.” She placed a finger against her lips. Her shoulders seemed to sink, her whole body swayed this way and that dangerously causing Hitsugaya to move with her. To dodge or to catch her? He...hadn’t decided yet.

“It’s more the...you take up multiple floors, along with most of this room.” Hitsugaya went on and Matsumoto nodded, the motion causing her head to droop far down and snap back up. He had to lean back to avoid collision. “You don’t seem….worried.” He felt a vein throb in his forehead as her expression turned more relaxed. A wide, wide smile spread across her face. The veneer of intoxication held sway.

“Well...this is either a very fun dream.” Matsumoto said. “Or I’ve become super stretchy!” Matsumoto said, sounding very eager. “Super sexy super stretchy super babe Rangiku Matsumoto.” She leaned back into a pose. “Rubber Rangiku!” She said again with a giggle. “It’s a funny sounding idea! Like one of those super heroes, right?” Her smile almost split her face. 

“You’re taking this...very well.” Hitsugaya said again.

“I think I could make it work!” Matsumoto pumped her fists into the air. “You can be my sidekick captain!” She cleared the space between them quickly,she squeezed up next to him. “It’s the perfect cover. Nobody will suspect my sidekick is my boss! Think about it.” She chuckled, resting her hands on his shoulders and grinning at him. Gently pushing him this way and that as if in a lazy dance.

“Be serious!” Hitsugaya said, shoving at his lieutenant once again surprised to lose his balance. A shove that would have normally dislodged her from looming over him now had far, far more give. His arms shoved against her shoulders and met minimal resistance and kept going and going and then he fell forward into her body. 

He was not unfamiliar with that sensation. Matsumoto liked to throw around the fact she was taller and he had a most “privileged position”. But he’d never quite fallen face first into it by virtue of his own efforts. 

Matsumoto for her part tingled at the odd sensation, it was rather a wake up call from her stupor. She turned to see her captain’s arms jutting out her back followed by an outline, almost cartoonishly detailed of her captain’s face stretching out of her back. She smirked, a laugh passing through her. “Oooh! Is this what secretly does it, captain? Years of failed seduction as clearly I just wasn’t made of the right stuff?” She snickered and thrust her upper body forward.

There was a sound not like someone smacking into one of those human recreation things...those bounce houses, that people had tried to steer Hitsugaya toward due to his youthful looks. 

He sailed backward feet torn from the ground. He watched Matsumoto get further away and her expression go from smug to horrified. She reached out and out and out and he was suddenly snared in the air. Long arms binding him from throat to thigh and then jerking him back toward Matsumoto. He slammed into her, position as ever privileged, before she tugged him free to look up at her. 

“I know I’ve said before, captain. I’m a lady with a lot of recoil.” She cosied him up to her body, subtly a lost art with her. “But clearly rubber Rangiku has super recoil.” She grinned down at him, big blue eyes looking down at him tied up in her arms. Her smirk slowly faltered and she yawned. “Being stretchy is tiring Captain. I’m gonna turn in.” She said her body slithering over to the every reliable couch of the tenth division. 

“Aren’t you going to-'' The air was knocked out of him when Matsumoto flopped onto the sofa, pressing her weight down on top of him. Hitsugaya wormed and wiggled some, managing to get level with her rather than under her. He glowered at her, but her eyes grew heavier. “Matsumoto! Let me go, I am not going to spend all night...enveloped in you!” 

“Hmm,” She nuzzled her forehead against his, “not sure you get much choice, captain.” She held him tight. He felt a hand tousle his hair and keep him close and while it was rare for Hitsugaya, decorated captain of the 10th division to feel at all like the child many saw him as...this was getting to that sort of moment. 

He could feel...a lot of Matsumoto. A lot. He could feel her breathing slowly, her chest pressing against him with each slow inhalation. She pressed her nose against his head, slowly drawing in his scent. He felt her arms around him as in...very around him. Squeeze tighter, warmth radiating off her in waves as she adjusted the two of them. He had been used to thinking of them in terms of their Zanpaktou, her with a cat and him a dragon. She really shouldn’t have usurped the serpent position but that was the only image that worked right now.

He felt her lips press against the top of his forehead. “Nighty night, Shiro…” 

“Matsu...Matsumoto.” He said his voice urgent. “People will come in here! In the morning and see us like this!” He hissed at her. “You don’t want people to make assumptions.” He said and she just let out a little sigh, warm breath and the smell of drink flooded over him. 

“Rubber Rangiku and her sidekick snuggling! It’s the front page story.” She said her voice giggly. “It’s fine...it’s fine.” She said. “Just shhh, or I’ll wrap ya up tighter.” She teased further. He wasn’t sure how much tighter this could get, he got his answer when the thick band that made up a majority of her body wound around one of his legs. 

It was a desperate few moments. Her gentle breathing and movements contrasted with his mad attempts to wriggle free of the living breathing straightjacket he was affixed in. Any attempt to push her away with his legs led to them being forced uncomfortably back into him. Or worse yet collisions with Matsumoto. The only response to that was a little laugh and her giving him a squeeze. 

Totally out of it...she’d just squeeze up against him or let out little sounds. She was gone, he tried for a while. The only sounds were her gentle breathing and his strains to get free. Eventually he couldn’t say how long he tried to escape in the darkness. The warmth from her sleeping body swallowed him up and even he couldn’t stay awake. 

Trapped and half buried in his vice commander Toshiro Hitsugaya was forced to surrender to sleep.

The hungover have multiple arch-enemies. The loud, the light and the unfamiliar will sour an already horrid start to their day. For Rangiku Matsumoto, second seat to the tenth division she was greeted with the light. She knew exactly where she was the moment she was the light green shade of fabric in front of her.

The comfy couch in the 10th’s head office was practically home away from home. She’d slept on the thing so many times over the years it was a wonder anyone else could sit on it and not fall into the perfectly Rangiku shaped divot. 

Still that in itself was odd….if she was at HQ and awake often that would mean her captain had just arrived and thrown wide the curtains. He’d give her a lecture and shock her awake...but then he’d usually give her breakfast and all would be forgiven.

He wasn’t there though, she cast a look over to his desk and found it empty. She did notice the light, somehow through a thicket of….curtains- did they get new curtains- there was a single ray of light. Adventurous little thing slipped in, seeming to rebound off every reflective surface only to land right on her gorgeous face. 

The asshole. 

Still Captain Hitsugaya wasn’t here….if she was lucky she could sneak home...and pretend to be sick. No doubt her voice sounded hoarse, if not she had a recording of that she could use. All she’d need to do is get up and get moving. She just felt so stiff all over, she could barely feel her legs at all and the dull throb behind her eyes was graduating into a full on brass band. 

How much had she drank last night?

She went to move and heard a low sound, a soft sort of grumble. Her stomach would not have made such a gentle sound. She peered down at herself and the mystery of where the captain was had been solved. 

Right here...snug against her tied up with her...Matsumoto remembered something. She remembered alliterative assertions; Super Stretchy Super Sexy Super Babe! She blinked a few times...SO that was a thing that was happening. 

She realized the curtains she saw across the room were...her. So were a lot of other things she could see laying around. She should be freaking out, the thin veneer of booze had worn off and stone cold sobriety was here. Like a ten tonne gorilla it threatened to crush her skull with ease but honestly….Matsumoto thought to herself it was very hard to crush rubber. It was resilient just like she was going to be! 

I mean that was all well and good but she couldn’t get up and she had a snoozing captain squashed up against her. She toyed lazily with the thick fluffy white tufts of his hair as he lay dozing. It was a rare sight to see the grouchy commander at peace, try as she might such things were beyond control. He looked peaceful for a change, shame there was no camera around...ah well one for her private collection of memories. 

She continued to lazily run her nails against his scalp as she took in the room and her place all over it. Like any morning hangover the first step to recovery is will power. She pursed her lips and looked at well...herself. Hanging over the light fixture and dangling lifelessly. She knew that was her...certain it was...so she set about trying to move it. 

Once when very, exceptionally, tremendously drunk she had attempted belly dancing. This was rather the same idea, she supposed. Just...stretched out. Very far. She figured that was a sensible start. After all if drunk Matsumoto could get into this shape then sober Matsumoto could get out of it. 

Matsumoto could spend a long time hating drunk Matsumoto but she’d never put her in too deadly a spot before. There’d been some close calls, some waking up in strange places, some less than ideal night-time dalliances and such. But sober Matsumoto was able to solve those! So surely sober Matsumoto can master the fact she now seems to be a living rubber band. 

She clenched something, some far off muscle she could feel. Everything was very...heavy. Not in that it was physically heavy but in that she was trying to move something without momentum. She was trying to jump-start a car by hitting parts of it at random and hoping that would make it work. 

She looked down at Hitsugaya, still squashed up against her for warmth. She looked at her hands and focused on her finger, with seemingly no real effort it extended and then returned to normal. She nodded slowly. There might be a method here. Her arms, fastened around the slumbering commander stretched forward and she moved them this way and that. Wiggling the fingers and making a fist reaching out to touch the two opposite sides of the room. 

Of course you can’t get up when hungover, you start off small. Start with a wiggle of the toes and work up. She reached out, groping at the dark until her arms had made it over to her torso. She prodded it gingerly, yup that was her. She pressed hard and felt a sort of tingle at how easily her body moved before snapping back to normal. 

“Oooh.” She bit down on her lip at the sensation. “Okay…” She attempted to crack her knuckles but her fists just squashed together, she swallowed a laugh at that. “Our little secret.” She told her slumbering captain. “Let’s see if we can’t get this body moving.” 

\---

Hitsugaya woke up with a faint smell of perfume floating around him. Some sweet smell that he couldn’t quite place but absolutely told him he wasn’t in his own bed. He peered up at the ceiling of the office and slowly it all came back to him. He looked left and found the rows of books and official files, the windows open wide. 

He put his hand against his head and sighed. “Was it a dream? I wouldn’t be here if it was a dream...but Matsumoto isn-”

“Do you often find yourself dreaming about me, Captain?” The teasing tone of Matsumoto called out. He sat up pushing the black blanket off himself to find her behind her desk for a change. Forms stacked in front of her so only her head was visible above them. “I feel like if you do we should talk about the dreams I sometimes have about you.” She puckered her lips and blew a little kiss. 

“What are you doing in my room?” He asked parroting her usual question upon waking up on the couch.

“Is that how this feels?” Matsumoto asked looking around. “But no avoiding the question! How saucy are your dreams about me? On a scale from one to ten, if it’s not minimum seven then you’re not trying.”

Hitsugaya felt a vein throb in his forehead. “Honestly this might be my dream scenario, Matsumoto. You behind a desk doing paperwork. It’s even less plausible than...my other dream.” He said flatly. 

“Oh?” Matsumoto stood up or...seemed to...then kept going up and up...her body towering over her desk on a long black body. “In this dream was I perhaps,” her torso stretched forward and she spun in a small loop, “super stretchy,” then another loop, “super sexy,” she leaned on the back of the couch grinning down at her captain’s totally flummoxed face. “Super babe?” She smiled at him. “Because, good news. As weird as that dream was it’s absolutely come true!” 

She beamed at him, a wide smile splitting her face. Hitsugaya leaned forward slightly to confirm yes...she was stretched out, yes that had just happened and yes...whatever he had thought to be a dream was not.

“MATSU-” He began a shout when the black blanket he was laying under sprung to life. Leaping up to totally cover him and force him back down against the couch. He struggled against the material but found that it warped to match his blows and would knead, twist and crush itself against him to thwart any attempts to get away.

“Voice down please.” Matsumoto winced, fingers plugging her ears. “I’m still a little sore from last night Captain.” She groaned and opened her eyes looking down at the struggling mass that was her superior. She really really wished she had a camera now. He would wrestle and struggle forcing her body to morph enough that you could see his fingers flailing and the familiar grimace he had when yelling was so clearly outlined it had her laughing. 

That only redoubled his efforts. “Captain! Captain! Settle down you’ll hurt yourself!” Matsumoto could only laugh at the sensation. “It tickles! I mean it! A little to the left! Please! It feels really relaxing.” She let out a little moan. “A little more!” She said and she felt the struggles stop slowly. “Aww come on, Captain I was really feeling it. You should take up massages.” 

Hitsugaya for his part tried to glare a hole through his lieutenant, the temptation to encase the room in ice was certainly growing. But that would cause more damage than he was willing to tolerate. He felt a weight settle on top of him, he paused as he felt something grab his hands through the wall that was Matsumoto. 

She intertwined her fingers with his. “Captain….” She said her voice was soft. She rested her forehead against his and suddenly Hitsugaya became acutely aware of how….close he was right now to Matsumoto. “As nice as this is,” she said and he felt everything around him bunch up and squeeze, “and it is nice….” She went on, her voice dragging out the words slowly. “Let’s have a little truce. I’ll pull down the covers and we can talk.” 

“Sure…” Hitsugaya said and Matsumoto did just that, the darkness folded back and he was met with her face smiling down at him. “You’re enjoying this...just a little too much.”

“I don’t know.” She said her cheeks rosy. “I think it’s a lot of fun.” She allowed her weight to rest on him and she could feel him shift just below her, well all over him really. 

“Matsumoto...how did you...how did this?” 

“Ah! I thought you would want to know that.” Matsumoto said. “So I decided I should work out everything I did last night so I could tell you!” 

“Good thinking.” He agreed. “What do you remember?” 

“I remember leaving work.” Matsumoto said. “I remember meeting up with Shuhei and some of the others….then it's lots of drinking...then it’s being here….and then it was earlier.” She nodded. “When I got some practice.” She nodded. 

“So….nothing.” 

“Not nothing!” Matsumoto protested, hitting his chest lightly. “Just lots of not very useful things. The practice was essential! It took me the better part of thirty minutes to find my hips!” She grinned. 

“Well...thank goodness you found your hips, Matsumoto. They were only strewn out over a few rooms.” Hitsugaya wriggled and Matsumoto moved her body, seeming to unfurl to let him get free. He quickly got to his feet. He moved around the couch to see the full display that had been hidden from him. 

Matsumoto had managed to wind herself under the couch to act as a false blanket while the rest of her trailed behind her desk, where she’d built the wall of paperwork to obscure herself. She slowly retracted through her loop-de-loop to show off. Shaking her shoulders as she did so in a little dance. 

“I was really practicing! It’s easy once I got the hang of it!” Matsumoto sounded thrilled. 

“No chance during your practice you did your job and filled in any of that paperwork?” He asked and Matsumoto twisted around to not look at him. “That’s a no then.” 

“This seems super important!” Matsumoto said, spinning back around like a top. “It’s a genuine mystery! How did this amazing wonderful thing happen to your lovely second in command!? Surely that trumps the mundane struggle of work!” 

“Not especially.” Hitsugaya said, rubbing at his temple. “Still...it is something we need to look into. We should go to the fourth and have a medical check up done.” He peered at her still looming over him. “You can...go back to normal, right?” 

Matsumoto exhaled, blowing some red hair from her face. Her body whipped around flying under the sofa and making a loud cracking noise as she righted her posture. Hands resting on her hips as she returned to her regular no less dynamic physique. She took slow, deliberate steps toward her captain, swaying her hips with each step. 

“See I found my hips.” She said with a wink. “I can even make them bigger...I can make everything bigger, captain.” She said with a wink throwing her arms around his shoulders. He quickly turned around as she crashed into him. “Think about it.”

“No.” Hitsugaya said flatly. “I’m not interested in your body, regardless of the shape you make it.” He said this but some decidedly loud voices dissented in the pit of his mind. Including the roar of his Zanpakuto blade’s spirit. He just ignored them…

“Ehh but we spent all of last night snug in one anothers embrace. You can’t sleep with a girl and tell her that captain.” She teased.

“Don’t say it like that!” He hissed back at her over his shoulder. Heat rising to his face he refused to signify her with more of a reaction. 

“Factually we slept and we were together. WE slept together.” She rested her chin on top of his head. “Nothing to be ashamed of, captain. At last I knew why I wasn’t wooing you before. Clearly a lady has to be made of very special stuff to woo captain Toshiro Hitsugaya,” she snickered as her legs walked around him, tying him to her with a band of her own body. “He likes them flexible.”

“Matsu-” he was cut off not by a flurry of limbs or a quick smothering but when his whole body shook with a low groan. He looked down and then at Matsumoto. “Was...that your stomach?” 

“I am….really kinda peckish.” Matsumoto said her face scarlet. “Can we stop somewhere for breakfast?” 

“I...suppose we should.”

“Oh it’s so nice of you to treat me to breakfast captain!” Matsumoto trilled, shoving him forward into a marching step. “I know a really nice place on the way to the fourth!” 

“I never said-” He tried to argue but while Matsumoto claimed to be made of flexible stuff now her ability to twist a situation remained ironclad.


	2. The Mandatory Origin Story!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every superhero needs a belated origin story, I mean it's a real stretch to call her a superhero. But the powers are there!

“The answer isn’t going to change no matter how many times you ask.” Rangiku Matsumoto lay down across the tatami mats, resting on her elbows. “It’s really a great big blur, captain! If I could remember last night I’d have told you by now.” 

Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya exhaled. “I know, Matsumoto but it’s… so much must have happened.” He rubbed at his jaw, try as he might he couldn’t conjure a single idea as to how his second had wound up as she was. 

“I know.” Matsumoto said with a sigh, energy flagging she all but rolled face down. “I really can only remember so many things. Finishing work and meeting Shuhei is where it starts.” She reached over to a small pile of papers, her arm and sleeve extending across the room to drag the papers over.

Hitsugaya tensed up looking over his shoulder. The privilege of rank had got them a private room at an eatery Matsumoto had insisted they go into. Claiming the food here had slain her hangover many a time, so it would be invaluable. Even still with the walls up around them he was petrified of someone discovering Matsumoto’s new condition. 

Matsumoto rolled onto her back and flipped through The Seireitei Communication, the single best source of news in Soul Society. Well...the only source of news, but Shuhei ran the paper. “Nothing here about rubber Rangiku terrorizes bar staff and horrifies people on a night out.” She almost sounded upset at that. 

“Which likely means for your time with him you weren’t...as you are now.” Hitsugaya said slowly. “Ah!” He pointed at Matsumoto who looked shocked. “Hainkeo!” He said pointing at her and she sat up. “Where’s your Zanpaktou!?” 

Matsumoto stood up quickly feeling at her side. “Ah! Where is it!?” She whined. “Oh no did I leave out last night when bar hopping?” She sank to her knees. “Ahhh this is bad, she’s going to give me such an earful.” 

“Matsumoto….” Hitsugaya said slowly. “You don’t suppose….this is Bankai?” 

Bankai was a secret art that with centuries of diligence, practice and effort a Shinigami could master. It was said to take decades of concentrated effort on part of the wielder and the living spirit in the blade. A perfect measure of potential and resect between weapon and master. The powers they unlocked were often awe inspiring and tremendous. To be able to use Bankai was an immense skill. 

Matsumoto sat there and let the weight of that rest on her shoulders. Then she noticed Hitsugaya trying not to chuckle, which of course...had her cracking up. 

“That’s so mean!” She cried out to her captain. “That’s so mean of you captain!” She was laughing as she scooted across the floor to him. “It’s not funny!” She said while laughing so hard there might have been tears at the edge of her vision.

No. No she would not have achieved that state, likely she never would. Her relationship with her blade was...tumultuous at the best of times.

“At this point if I don’t laugh I might cry.” Matsumoto wound her arms around Hitsugaya’s shoulders and her own and then down and down until both were tied together. Her hands clasped at her waist in a tight squeeze. “Everything is running away! My memories, my sword and who knows what else!? You have to stay close, Captain.”

“I don’t exactly have a choice.” He muttered as she nuzzled up to him. “Can you not do this?” He tried to push her away but she just had to tense her arms to bring them back together and even closer than before. 

“I can’t afford to lose you, captain!” She said her voice was rich with faux concern. “We’ll never be parted. I refuse to let you out of my sight or reach. Which has become incredibly long so no worries there.” 

“I still say you’re having too much fun with this…” Hitsugaya muttered as she rocked the two of them side to side. “How are you so good at it?”

“It’s really easy once you start doing it.” Matsumoto said. “For someone as bright and wonderful as your second in command it’s easy!

“Oh course...full mastery of some new bizarre thing you can do, easy. Your job still eludes you after centuries.” Hitsugaya said and Matsumoto exhaled, her body quickly slimmed down and she raised her arms off of him.

“I changed my mind.” She exhaled her body returning to normal with a noise like a bang, staying in motion for a few moments. “You can go, captain. If you’re going to be cruel.” 

“If I go we won’t find out what happened.” Hitsugaya said. “Well I won’t, you’ll probably make up some story.” 

Matsumoto whipped around gasping, hand over her heart. “Never!” 

“You remember the three men in chappy costumes incident?” Hitsugaya asked. The response to why she was once an hour late for work turned into a four hour incredibly detailed story of hostage rescue, romance, a mysterious cloaked hero and more…

“That really did happen!” Matsumoto insisted. “Can you possibly ever doubt anything again? I mean I went out one night and the next day I’m a super stretchy super babe.” Matsumoto seemed to like how that rolled off the tongue. “But you should know. Mastering myself is far easier than mastering all the minutiae of paper work.” 

Matusmoto turned as the door opened and a trio of plates was brought in. “Oooh yes! These omelettes are to die for captain!” 

“Hmm.” Was all he said in reply as the plates were left behind and Matsumoto retreated to her side of the table. “While you were looking for your sword...did you find your wallet?” 

“Oh no. That's totally gone.” Matsumoto said, sounding more sure of that than she did of the colour of the sky. “This will have to be your treat, captain.”

Hitsugaya looked down at the dish and paused. “I thought this was an omelette?” He said unsure was to...what entirely this was. There were elements of an omelette here, he could see the yellow and the rice but the dish appeared to be in a bowl. That was….a strange texture, he parted the rice to find a strange organic thing there. Made up of dozens of little bumps and ridges, he blinked a few times. 

“Oh yes!” Matsumoto said, delighted digging into the omelette with her spoon. “Sea urchin omelette!” She said delighted. “A fantastic rejuvenator, when coupled with eggs it’s got an amazing savoury taste that can wash away even the most stubborn residual tastes. When mixed with the umi’s natural sweetness it’s a genuine taste sensation. Try it captain.” 

She was eating the entire time she told him this but when he scooped some of the contents out, a thick creamy slice on top of the strange filmy innards of the urchin. He paused but Matsumoto ate on, insistently chewing slowly as if to show it was safe. He put it in his mouth, a shock ran through him the moment it touched his tongue.

A mellow soft flavour spread through his mouth, creamy was almost the best way to describe it. Each bite made it feel like there was a new fresh source of flavour. He swallowed quickly and went for another spoonful. 

“Mh hm.” Matsumoto said with pride. “See! You can trust Rangiku to know what tastes good!” 

He just couldn’t trust her to cook anything that tasted good. Not that he voiced that outloud. He was too busy enjoying the meal. Matsumoto really hoped he enjoyed it enough when the bill came he wouldn’t say anything.

\---

“How does putting eggs inside an animal increase a price like that.” He held tight to the bill, knuckles white. “It’s...it can’t be legal.” 

“I’m afraid it’s as legal as it was delicious.” Matsumoto was doing her best to walk behind him at a safe distance. The temperature around the youthful captain was dipping, the next person to give him bad news might find themselves frozen solid.

“Bu...it’s….” He stared down at the receipt as though it hid something from him. He crammed it into his pocket and muttered to himself. He crossed his arms and picked up speed and she moved to keep up- but again, safely. 

The walk to the Fourth was quiet, save for the occasional mutter of frustration. Some battles could not be won by a quick joke. 

The Fourth Division, the de facto medical ward for the entire area, had never not been busy. There was always someone running in one direction, people yelling another direction, people from the eleventh being forced to sit down stop trying to rip their stitches. Even now the place was aflutter with moving bodies. 

“How do we…” Matsumoto said at her captain’s shoulder, gesturing to herself. “Advertise...this?” 

“I have been thinking that same thing the entire time.” Hitsugaya confessed, rubbing at his chin. “It’s not an emergency, so we shouldn’t start a panic.” 

“Oh no need for that.” Matsumoto said with a nod. “We wouldn’t want to cause chaos.” She bit down on her lip. “But we can hardly say...check up can we?”

“No.” Hitsugaya muttered. “I don’t want to bother Captain Unohana about this...either but somehow I feel like it might be beyond a standard seat.” He wished there was some equivalent to gigantic health mistakes but maybe not a bad one. 

“Oh that saves a job.” A voice piped up behind the pair and they turned to find one Hanataro Yamada. The sometimes sullen looking...what seat was he now? He’d moved up in the world recently from the seventh seat but he wasn’t in a position that afforded any real change of rank. “We weren’t about to send a runner out for you,” Hanataro said to Matsumoto, “we’ve had someone come in with a couple of your possessions.” 

Matsumoto tilted her head to one side. “Eh?” 

“Shuhei was checked in earlier this morning, very unwell but in possession of your Zanpakuto...and a purse.” Hanataro had said. “If you’re here we can return them to you.” 

“Oh,” Matsumoto raised her hand to her forehead, “that would be a relief. I fear however I’m also feeling faint.” Matsumoto said, flopping over to Hanataro, the young man holding her up. “Can you also check me over, make sure I don’t have whatever was wrong with Shuhei? I feel so faint?”

“Were...were you with him?” Hanataro asked, looking horrified at the idea. “He’s in a terrible state.

“Where is he?” Hitsugaya asked. “I can collect my lieutenants wares….and I should make sure Lieutenant Hisagi is well.” 

“Oh I was,” Matsumoto said, “I was with Shuhei for a long time last night. My head hurts,” she whined feebly, “my tongue feels four sizes too big and all sorts of other things.” She gave Hanataro a sad, puppy dog stare. “I’m worried I might be unwell.” 

“I mean...I can-” He tried to say and Matsumoto scooted him along. Clearly he had said he can and so he will.

“Oh you’re a lifesaver, Hanataro! A real lifesaver, you can check me over and my captain can fill in any forms.” She said as she directed Hanataro to one of the check-up rooms. She tossed her captain a thumbs up as she continued forward. 

Oh….Hanataro...he wouldn’t want to be you for the next few minutes. Now he supposed he ought to find the mangled, drink reeking remains of Shuhei Hisagi and try and wrangle a narrative out of him. 

\---

“Could you take a deep breath?” Hanataro asked and Matsumoto knew this was serious. It was supposed to be serious. There was a genuine medical mystery going on and honestly it needed solved. But when the guy feeds you lines like that….

Matsumto was not subtle. She forced out her chest and took a slow breath. Hanataro, ever a gentleman of course, closed his eyes, to better listen to her breathing and so missed her opening gambit.

Hanataro listened to Matsumoto breathing, a slow, long intake of air. A very slow, very long intake of air...he struggled to think of ever hearing someone take such a long breath. Matsumoto for her part was wondering why the lad wasn’t freaking out. There was roughly 40% more Matsumoto in his face and he already had a fairly significant eyeful.

Hanataro was sure he heard some strange creaking noise... “Oh, remember to exhale.” Hanataro said and felt a strong gust of air blow across the top of his head. 

“Something the matter?” Matsumoto asked with a smirk. Hanataro stood up and move across the room, she watched him go slowly over to the window and close it.

“Sorry I felt a draft.” Hanataro said and Matsumoto stared at him dead. At last...a worthy foe. 

“Nothing else odd about my prognosis?” Matsumoto asked as Hanataro moved back in front of her. 

“Well this isn’t a prognosis it’s a diagnosis.” Hanataro said warmly. “But you’re doing much better than Lieutenant Hisagi was doing,” Hanataro shook his head, “they found him half submerged in a fountain.” 

“Oh dear.” She said. “So any other tests you want me to turn my head and cough?” Her head spun around 180 degrees and she did just that. Then it snapped back. Hanataro stood there, stock still, his face suddenly very pale and his expression frozen. 

“No…” Hanataro said weakly. “I….umm,” he shook his head a few times, “sorry it’s been a long shift.” 

“Oh I know about long shifts.” Matsumoto said, leaning back. “Some days you just want to lie back, relax and forget about it…” She yawned, her arms intertwining and weaving about each other until they touched the roof and then returned with a quick spiral. “Just so many little aches and pains.”

“MMMHMM.” Hanataro nodded quickly. “Are you feeling alright?” 

“Fine.” Matsumoto said with a shrug her shoulders going higher than her head which sank slightly into her body before she returned to normal. “Why something the matter?” 

“...There...might be.” He touched his own forehead and pulled away his hand. “Or it’s been a long night….” 

“Hmm.” Matsumoto nodded. “Bit of both maybe?” She offered as Hanataro made his way back over with a tongue depressor. “What’s that for?”

“Just...one or two more tests.” Hanataro said, he was trembling just a little. “Can you open wide and say aaaah?” Hanataro said. Matsumoto took a little breath, she actually felt bad...just a little. 

“Sure thing.” Matsumoto compiled. She opened her mouth wide, very wide, upsettingly wide. It touched the ceiling and Hanataro stared helplessly down the chasm like maw. He placed the tongue depressor against her tongue. “Shee anything?” She asked.

“....I think I can see what you had for lunch…” Hanataro stood up, still very upset that he would fit inside the immense mouth in front of him. “You can….not...do this now.” He said and she complied, looking at him, the picture of innocence. 

“Am I healthy?” 

“I am going….to get a second opinion.” Hanataro said slowly making his way out of the room. “Nothing to worry about...you just..sit here. Please.”

“Nothing to worry about?” She asked him and Hanataro shook his head.

“N...no. Great results...you have...really nice breath….I’m going to.” He left the room and Matsumoto’s neck stretched over to the door where she could hear hyperventilating. Then a quiet scream and then running. 

Her head retracted back on top of her shoulders and she looked down at her nails. That ought to get stuff moving.

Hanataro bolted past and Hitsugaya looked up in time to see the blur shoot off. “Hmm.” He looked back down at Shuhei who...well he’d been through it. He had a series of bandages around his head and an IV running into his arm, various nutrients to no doubt fight the pounding drums in his head. 

“Can you hear me?” Hitsugaya asked...fairly sure he couldn’t but Shuhei stirred somewhat. 

“Is th...tha...Toshiro?” He said. Hitsugaya bristled at the lack of formality but...looked again at the IV bag. Good chance he was on something...very potent.

“Captain Hitsugaya.” He said regardless. “Are you alright?” 

“Nah.” He replied quickly. “I really….not that.” Shuhei said. “I did...a lot of drinks. Most of the drink.” 

“I...can see that.” Hitsugaya said. “Did you see Matsumoto last night?”

“Yeah, Ran.” He said dreamily. “She was there, we started off the night together….she got a round. I got a round…..she said….she got a round….I got a round…..I got a round…...I got a round.”

“Okay, scoreboard established, Hisagi.” Hitsugaya said. “Did...you two do anything...strange last night?” He asked and Hisagi sat bolt upright in bed, surprising him. 

“No, not a thing don’t turn me to ice.” Hisagi was rigid, utterly horrified as he stared down at the captain. He’d done it to lots of people, that was true. Some people were used to it and others considered it a fate worse than being the 11th division dentist. 

“I won’t.” Hitsugaya shoved gingerly at Hisagi who lay back down with little effort. “She can’t...remember last night, at all. You already remember more than her- why did you have her purse and weapon?”

“Oh.” Hisagi nodded a few times. “I pointed out...I was getting all the drinks and she gave me her wallet so I could pay for the next round.” He indicated the little table by his bed on which rested a little coin purse. 

Hitsugaya collected it and felt how light it was. “I take it...she wasn’t good for it.” Hitsugaya questioned and Hisagi reached out and tapped the bottom of the colourful pouch. Hitsugaya looked at it and noticed a hole in the bottom. “Ah.”

“S’adecoy wallet.” Hisagi said, sounding tired. “A thing she mentioned Gin doing….have fake wallets...to give to folk trying to rob ya.” 

“That sounds exactly like him. Yes.” Hitsugaya said looking at the flimsy thing. “Her weapon though?” He turned quickly. “Did...DID she try and pawn it for booze?” 

“No...she got distracted by someone else showing up with big bottles of booze.” Hisagi said. “Saw them across the bar and bolted over saying she had to try some….secret vintage that….” Hisagi looked up. His eyes very glassy. Hitsugaya waved a hand over his face. Clicked his fingers a few times. 

“Hisagi….Oi….Are you okay?”

“Yeah...what’s up?” Hisagi asked, blinking a few times. 

“Where did Matsumoto go?”

“Ran is here? She owes me a drink…” His skin seemed to turn sallow at the mention of drink. Sweat pouring off him. “Oh...no, never drink!” He snapped, reaching over the side of his bed for something. Hitsugaya looked down.

“Ah,” he handed the man a bucket, “I think umm…” He was cut off by the sound of vomiting. “I’ll...leave you to it, you've been very helpful.” Hitsugaya collected Haineko and moved out of the room. So...he now knew slightly more than nothing. Also to never trust a wallet his lieutenant handed him. 

“Two steps forward and one step back.” Hitsugaya said with a sigh. A strange sound like a tea kettle boiling over sounded to one side and he turned to see a grinning face. 

“Oooh. No. I wouldn’t say that. There’s no such thing as a step backwards in the discovery phase.” The figure drew up to his full height, gleaming yellow teeth clacked together with a sound rather like a trap going off. “Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya, it is a pleasure.” 

“It’s nice to see you Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi.” It was always a unique experience to meet the captain of the twelfth as every time it was a fresh experience. For reasons or no reason perhaps Mayuri delighted in dressing in a manner that could be considered assault. He wore the typical captain’s coat and robes but today he had a six inch golden spike jutting out of his chin. The spike was covered in several smaller spines and resting on the end of the spike was a pair of tiny glasses. His face was covered in a thick smear of black paint save four lines that started on his forehead. Two at his ears that moved over his eyes but did not join at his nose and a pair of lines that ran down to intersect the horizontal lines. Giving him the look of...of all things the three point line on a basketball court.

“You can almost say that with a straight face.” He grinned, one eye stayed on Hitsugaya and the other pivoted to stare off down the corridor before sweeping to stare in the other direction. “I feel we have conducted the mandatory pleasantries. Take me to your second in command at once, I have business with her.” 

Mayuri’s lieutenant stepped out from behind him, offering a deep formal bow. “My apologies Captain Hitsugaya. I am to blame for this current situation. Know that my punishment shall be inventive and cruel.” She said that with no emotion and rose back up to standing.

“It will.” Mayuri added pointing at her, one finger a large golden talon. “It will be both of those things in abundance.” 

“I-”

“She might explode.” Mayuri said quickly and Hitsugaya looked at Nemu. “Your second in command.” 

“She what?”

“Might explode.” Mayuri repeated. “Has she been acting odd?”

“She has.”

“Fantastic. I now know she’s been acting odd, see I am showing due concern. You can trust me Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya, I am doctoring.” He hadn’t stopped smiling but he began to show even more teeth. “Lead me to her, that I can stop her from exploding.” 

“I was about to go and find her.” 

“Oh good….you’re still here….” Hanataro had appeared at some point. “It’s about your…” He noticed Mayuri standing there, one eye focused on him and the other on Hitsugaya. “Umm...Captain Kurotsuchi. Does Captain Unohana know you are here?” 

“Probably. Does it matter? Act like I’m not even here.” The nearly six foot tall clown man covered in cold wearing a sword a crotch level pointing outward like a handle said. 

Hanataro did just that. “Your umm lieutenant has displayed...frankly unusual symptoms.” Hanataro said. “We’re moving her to a more private room and getting the help of the captain.” 

“No not her!” Mayuri snapped. “She might want to...do things before I do them!” He grabbed Hanataro by his arm. “Lead me to the patient! At haste young man, with speed that belies your feeble frame!” 

“Wha-” Hanataro was jabbed at and he began to move. “Okay! It um-”

“Faster!” Mayuri demanded and Hitsugaya followed behind the group, absolutely certain now...that no work would get done today. No this was going to be one of those no work days. 

\---

“Very interesting.” Captain Retsu Unohana examined Matsumoto carefully, prodding an extended limb. “You can feel that.”

“Yes, captain.” Matsumoto had not goofed around with Captain Unohana. It wouldn’t do to mess with the lady who controlled the best hangover remedies. Let alone...how scary she could get. “As if you were next to me.”

“Hm.” She looked at a chart and wrote something down. “This is very unusual.” 

The door to the room flew open as Hanataro stumbled inside. 

“Back leech-monger!” Mayuri spat. “I shan’t have you sully the results of this experiment any further.” 

Captain Unohana blinked a few times, Matsumoto was certain she heard her counting very quietly and very quickly under her breath. The door was thrown wider as her own captain forced his way in. 

“Matsumoto! Are you okay?”

“Fine, why?”

“He said you’ll explode!” Hitsugaya pointed at Mayuri. 

“I’ll EXPLODE!?” She shrieked in horror.

“I lied!” Mayuri said quickly and a loud groan filled the room as he forced his way in. “I wanted you to do what I wanted and so I told a lie, there’s nothing wrong with that.” He went despite the fact that yes, there was. He flicked his chin and the pair of glasses flicked up from the edge of the spike to land perfectly on his ears allowing him to look at Matsumoto.

That wasn’t cool at all. No. He sucks. That wasn’t cool. Hanataro gasped in awe regardless. 

“Let me see her chart.” He held out a hand expectantly to captain Unohana who looked at him like he was something on the sole of her shoe. He wiggled his hand at her expectantly. “You can share or I can make crude assumptions, one involves co-operation and the other may include lacerations.” 

Hitsugaya moved to his lieutenants side to impose himself between her and the deviant captain of the 12th. “Another lie, I hope.” It was quite a bit colder in the room now. 

“Oh certainly.” Unohana said, looking to Mayuri and handing him a chart. “Still...we can’t be pleasant. Can’t we?” 

“We shall all have to make sacrifices.” Mayuri said flatly. “But I feel pleasance is within all of our abilities.” He flicked through the chart, literally and passed it back. “Fantastic news you will not explode, you never would have. BUT I can now confirm you will not dissolve into a mass of bones and flesh. THAT could have happened.” 

“Can someone...anyone….please explain?” Hitsugaya felt a vein on his forehead. “Why my second seat is a living rubber band?” Folding his arms over his chest he couldn’t help but feel Matsumoto slink further behind him. Perhaps she wanted to avoid any blasts of ice that might occur. 

“Alas,” Mayuri sighed adjusting the little glasses on his face with the large golden claw, “I cannot do so in any firsthand measure. But Nemu will provide for you the explanation.” He clapped his hands a few times and Nemu moved to his side.

“My apologies. Allow me to explain. Last night I was retrieving two sets of important samples. One for Captain Kurotschchi and the other for the SWA.” Nemu said. “The SWA will be having our bi-monthly funding roundup….where we will attempt to work out where a majority of funds have gone. In the past these meetings have been…”

“Explosive.” Matsumoto said. 

“Nanao has been very exacting about our recent financial woes. Several attempts at fundraising have failed and so tensions are running high.” Nemu went on, Hitsugaya looked around at all three of the women present nodding. 

“I really should have kept a closer eye on Yachiru’s ‘candy fund’.” Unohana sounded a bit upset at that. 

“Regardless I was asked to acquire some drinks we had purchased when funds were in a better place.” Nemu looked to Matsumoto specifically. “Of course the bottles are hidden from certain members of the SWA who cannot be trusted.” 

“I mean...I like a tipple.” Matsumoto said.

“You like a reservoir.” Hitsugaya bit back and she pushed out her lower lip. “Continue…”

“At the same time as she was retrieving these childish libations I had Nemu collect something from one of my labs.” Mayuri rolled his eyes. “Over the past few months I’ve been deep in spatial theory and research. Analyzing the Kumon and Descorrer phenomenon arrancar and hollow use to traverse spatial dimensions. I notice in some cases the film of reality is cracked and in others widened.” Mayuri looked up. “I wanted to see if I could find a material or method to safely make the layers of reality more malleable and easier to mess with.” 

“That sounds kind of dangerous.” Matsumoto said. 

“This is why I don’t tell you people about this. Someone always says that. This is why none of you know about my universal solvent or how I store it.” Mayuri said.

“I really want to now.” Hanataro said. “If it’s a universal solvent how do you store-”

Mayuri hissed at Hanataro and he scampered back. “No time! No time for your mind to grasp the intricacies of my brilliance!” He waved his hand, wiping spittle from his chin. “Regardless I have invented a solution that would do JUST that. Make the firm boundaries of reality smooth and supple for manipulation and vivisection.” He looked at Matsumoto. “Except!” 

“Except she drank it.” Nemu said. “While I was travelling with the samples and SWA booze I was confronted by a very inebriated Rangiku Matsumoto. Who proclaimed she would taste the booze to ensure it was up to standards. She grabbed the experiment bottle claiming, quote; ‘I’ve never seen this bottle before, that means it must be top shelf shit.’” 

Hitsugaya turned and looked at Matsumoto over his shoulder, she seemed to be sinking into herself somewhat, head literally retreating down the collar of her shirt. “It’s...a fair thought.” 

“So….she drank...a highly unstable reality altering tonic...thinking it was booze?” Hitsugaya asked. “My god...it actually sounds like something she’d do.” 

“I am still here you know.” Matsumoto said, her eyes peering over her collar. 

“She drank the tonic and spilled a lot on herself. AS such it was a near empty bottle I turned into Captain Mayuri.” Nemu bowed again. “My punishment shall be cruel and inventive.” 

“It will be yes!” Mayuri confirmed not for the first time. “However I wanted to try and retrieve my creation before...well I had lots of theories. I expected her to melt into a pile of loosely held together flesh, or for all of her to slough off piece by piece until she was a hole in the world but no...nothing interesting has happened.” 

“You don’t call full body stretchification interesting?” Matsumoto asked her head poking out. Arms waggling to the roof. Mayuri took off his little glasses and put them on the end of the chin spike. 

“Not compared to the gore hole no.” Mayuri sighed. “I had rather assumed anyone attempting to imbibe the serum would die or at least colorfully be maimed.” He let his head flop onto his shoulder. “Dull. But the fact you survived...I do have a theory.”

“Oh?” Unohana seemed actually interested.

“I believe years of binge drinking have given this woman a liver like an elephant.” Mayuri said and Hitsugaya tried not to laugh. “Likewise years of eating the suicide attempts she calls food have gifted her with an unnaturally durable response to poison.”

“My food isn’t that bad.” Matsumoto said desperately. “Tell him captain, it’s not that bad.” The silence was deafening. “Oh wow…” Matsumoto crossed her arms over her chest. 

“Anyway.” Mayuri clapped. “We’ll just confiscate her. Make sure she doesn’t die, lock her in a lab cell. It’s all good and cool.” He took a step forward and Matsumoto shrank behind her captain. “If you want to be technical the results of her imbibing the fluid are entirely part of a now ongoing experiment. I have a right to the results.”

“The results are a person and she won’t go with you if she doesn’t want to.” Hitsugaya said. “There’s clearly been an accident here. We can’t sort this out in a simple way.”

“I really don’t want to go to a cell or with him, period.” Matsumoto interjected quickly. “Very in favour of not doing that.” 

“I have a right to my experiments.” Mayuri went on again. “I have a whole new avenue of study to impart on. Perhaps we can throw her through a Kumon to see the results. That wouldn’t be so bad!” 

The idea of being tossed alone into the dark nightmare void from which Hollows emerged and crawled from was not high on Matsumoto’s vacation spot list. She placed a hand on her captain’s shoulder and nodded.

“I’m very sorry about this captain.” Matsumoto said and he looked back at her. She pushed out the collar of his robe and dived into his undershirt. Hitsugaya stood rigid, as he felt the sudden rush of hands brushing against his bare body followed by a rug burn like sensation as his second seat vanished into his clothes. 

“Ah,” he fidgeted as Matsumoto did the same, “I am!” He tensed up, warm hands, brushed something. “IN THE SHIRT ONLY!” He barked, his face turning red. “No!” He snapped again grabbing at something. 

“Oooh handsy.” Matsumoto said and he let go instantly. “I’m not coming out until he’s gone!”   
Hitsugaya for his part stood there, going red in the face. He felt Matsumoto’s fingers brushing against his chest. Her breath on his shoulder blades and he supposed the rest of her tense and squeeze against him. A not quite crushing embrace but...a lot more movement than he was used to feeling under his shirt. He felt like with every little movement she made he was getting more and more trapped, surely this was...some...inappropriate contact of a sort!

“Well I’m not going until I have the right to my experiments.” Mayurisaid petulantly. 

“Then I’m here forever!” Matsumoto replied. 

“No!” Hitsugaya said his voice was far higher than he’d like it to be in public. “I cannot abide by-” He shivered as he felt a hand on his stomach. 

“Have you been working out, captain?” She muttered her voice low. “It’s very impressive honestly.” 

He felt like his guts might drop out of him. Matsumoto was drawing a small circle with her index finger on his abdomen right now, slowly and maddeningly. He felt his knees quaking together as his face grew more and more warm. 

“Hmmmmmmmmmm.” Mayuri rested his hand on his blade. “Noo….” He said, removing his hand. “Not that yet…” He drummed a finger on the top of the guard. “Supervised testing!” He said. “No portals, no throwing into hell dimensions and such. Simple observational exercises.” 

There was quiet. 

“Which would be made a matter of public record via my incredibly popular column in The Communication so that there can peer review.” Mayuri said. “Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya will and should be present at all times for all tests.” Mayuri continued tilting his blade slightly. “That way he can veto any tests that might be deemed….” He looked at Nemu. “What’s that word?”

“Unethical?”

“The other one.”

“Cruel.”

“The other one.”

“Exploitative.” 

“Thank you, Nemu.” Mayuri said. “Veto any tests deemed any of those words.” Mayuri clapped his hands. “More than fair….to be honest I figured you would want to know how to access dimensional gaps...you could get anywhere in the human world with those.” 

Hitsugaya felt motion stop under his clothes. He felt something climb his back as Matsumoto emerged, leaning on his head. “My captain will be there? To keep you back.” Hitsugaya felt something soft against the back of his head as Matsumoto made herself comfortable.

“I think I’m about to die.” Hitsugaya said as he realized it was likely her chest. “Yes...I can see a light…” 

“If you think he needs to -”

“Yes.” Both Matsumoto and Hitsugaya said frankly. 

“Then of course. If anything needs a physical partner for demonstration he can even volunteer.” Mayuri said and one of the pair looked thrilled at that the other did not. “For trust reasons. Of course.” 

“...Can you donate to the flagging funds of the SWA?” Matsumoto asked and Mayuri stood there. Blinked a few times. 

“No.” 

“Worth a shot…” Matsumoto drummed on her captain’s scalp with long nails. “I don’t think he’s going to go away...Captain do we have options?” 

“I’m having a hard time thinking right now.” Hitsugaya said. He felt something tighten against him, a squeeze. “Stop that…” He mangled the words through clenched teeth. 

“If I don’t hold on I’ll slide down.” She said simply and his posture tightened. “I thought so…” The idea of pants’d in front of multiple captains would not sit will in anyone’s mind.

“It sounds like a deal.” Matsumoto said and Mayuri clapped his hands. 

“Wonderful! Let’s go!” Mayuri said.

“No.” Hitsugaya said. “We’re….going to...wait.” He said his legs shaking, was Matsumoto heavy or was it how oddly warm this felt and all that writhing- oh please stop moving. “To give it...a couple of days to see if this isn’t temporary.” 

“If it’s temporary we must move quickly!” Mayuri protested gesturing to the door.

“Captain Unohana, she’s still a patient of the Fourth, right?” Hitsugaya said. “Not to be released back to duty until you say so.” 

“That’s correct.” The fourth’s captain replied and Mayuri looked ten times more like a child than Hitsugaya ever had. He stomped his foot several times and turned around. 

“Impeding progress! That’s what you people are doing! I am going to melt things with my universal solvent to feel better!” Mayuri stormed out with Nemu on his heels. 

“Oh captain, forget being my sidekick. You’re the real hero.” Matsumoto let her arms drape around his shoulders. 

“She is well enough to do paperwork.” Hitsugaya said and Matsumoto gasped. 

“He’s not a hero, he's a villain.” She said frankly. “But...Don’t worry he’s a villain I’ve got well in my clutches.” Matsumoto smirked as part of her body slid free of the underside of her captain’s shirt. He grabbed at himself but was very quickly torn from the ground, legs kicking wildly as he was bound up tight. 

“Matsumoto!” He bellowed at her. “Put me -”

“Down?” Matsuoto said and her body rolled sending him spinning down toward the ground, spiralling like a yoyo before coming to a stop. “Is that better?”

“Matsu-”

“I can’t hear you too well down there.” Matsumoto’s face screwed up with effort as Hitsugaya now spun up the way stopping just shy of her bust. His face pale, teal eyes watering. “What were you saying about paperwork.”

“ALL OF IT! YOU ARE GOING TO BE DOING ALL OF IT!” 

With that war was declared. Rubber Rangiku vs The Icy-Captain and his legion of paperwork! Can the hero overcome such a threat? Sure she might be winning this fight as he foe spirals up and down but can she win the war against the tide of oncoming paperwork!?

Fight on Rubber Rangiku!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where you'd put the obligatory like after credits scene. But I don't got one.


End file.
